It’s a well-known rule of the internet that you’re not allowed to say anything nuanced or constructive about the worldwide phenonmenon known as BTS. But, today, in a flip to the historical out-for-blood fandom which perfected the art of doxxing and harassment, ARMYs offered a reward for anyone – litterally anyone – brave enough to say that “Permission to Dance” was actually a good song.
ARMYs everywhere lamented that today is the last day they can enjoy Nuggets, Medium Fries, and a Coke from the world’s largest purveyor of processed foods.
MIDDLE ‘MERICA—Continuing the eternal battle over who paved the way first, Blackpink Blinks started ‘beef’ with BTS ARMYS today by proclaiming that their band were the true forerunners for fast-food-associated K-pop brand deals. “Burger King was the first to exploit our fandom for profit,” one Blink explained in an online forum. “And now BTS ARMYS want to say they paved the way first?”
Despite being the first to define the genre, Seo Tai-Ji reported the loss of another public infrastructure contract to “pave the way” for the South Korean government.
Big Hit Entertainment, the k-pop powerhouse behind BTS, today announced to reporters that it would acquire the entire K-pop industry in an effort to remain a lucrative company in the days following BTS’ retirement.
All 502 citizens of Mavoru are very proud to have been part of this historic achievement, particularly the 3 BTS fans who flew into the small country to set up iTunes accounts for the residents. Life has been tough for the Mavoruans after 15 hurricanes wrecked their shores this past year, but streaming Dynamite 24 hours a day will be sure to cheer them up.
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